youre lurking in front of me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im having a threesome with these popsicles
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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