Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
