Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
