Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize