Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
