remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
