i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
