1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
