Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
