Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
barbara walters just said penis...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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