I'm gonna have a badass scar
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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