It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
