just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
