Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
