I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
