I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
