I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
