I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
