Betty ford says i'm here all night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
