Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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