you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
