ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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