So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
