She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
