I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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