Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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