we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
