My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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