I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize