i wish peter jackson would direct porn
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
