The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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