i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
