Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
