did you get engaged???
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
