if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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