So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize