I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
