I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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