Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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