He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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