she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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