yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
