I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
