i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
