I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
