I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
