I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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