Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
