This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
