He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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