you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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