she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
