dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She announced her abortion via fbk
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just found a bag of teeth...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
