I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
