ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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