I can tuck mytits in my pants
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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