Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize