where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize