He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
