Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
