Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
