I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
