his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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